Single Dad Seeking

Goodbye

2009-01-09T11:37:00.004-07:00

Break is over, I've decided not to blog any more. What started out, in my mind at least, as a simple little thing turned into one of my biggest fuck ups ever.

To those involved I'll never be able to tell you how truly, truly sorry I really am and I had no intentions on hurting either one of you...

Goodbye...

Time off

2009-01-06T07:41:00.002-07:00

I won't be writing for a while. I have to fix something and until that's done I'm not writing anything here or anywhere else that will accidentally cause trouble. I had no idea it would get so bad or ugly or hurt the person that I try so hard to do just do the right things for.

I'm very sorry and ....................................................................

Please no comments, I'll just delete them.

New Years Resolutions

2008-12-31T13:25:00.004-07:00

New Years is a time of new beginnings. It’s kind of like we get to start all over again with a fresh canvas to paint. It seems so official but couldn’t we just start over any time we wanted? Seems to me we could resolve to change ourselves any time we liked rather than having to wait until New Years. But I suppose this is no time to wax philosophical debates.

I think resolutions can be a great thing for some people. For other people it seems they set themselves up to fail by making their resolutions too grand and vague.

The resolutions need to be within reach and manageable. I want to lose weight is vague. I want to lose 50 pounds by June by eating healthier and losing about two pounds per week is a better start. Then break that down even farther and write down how you’re going to eat healthier, how you’ll track it, who will help you, etc. (Just a note I’ve lost 35 pounds since September which is why I chose this particular resolution)

It may seem like more work but if it’s really something you want to change you’ll do it.

Now there are easy ones of course like maybe you resolve to smile more. Sounds easy but you’ll need to think about it more often. It’s not exactly the kind of thing you can have a plan for unless you want to set some kind of reminder on your watch, etc. to make you think about it.

I think some people try to resolve too many things. When it turns out there is just no way to do them all they give up on all of them. Your list needs to be prioritized. The things you want to change the most should be at the top and in writing.

I’ve decided to just make four resolutions.

1. I will write 30 minutes each day. It doesn’t matter what I write I will do it at least 30 minutes each day (this hopefully will include more postings). I’d like to specify a time but I know that just won’t work and I know there will be some days where I just will not be able to sit down at the computer.

2. I will go back to school. That’s a vague one because I haven’t figured out how to pay for it yet so part of this resolution is to spend at least an hour a week looking for grants and/or loans.

3. I will send out at least one query a week for my completed book which I’ve been ignoring.

4. I will spend at least one hour a week (more would be better) researching paying freelance writing jobs.

I think each of these resolutions is a reasonable goal and most of all none of them seem overwhelming.

I’d be very curious to hear what any of you folks have resolved to change in the upcoming year and how you plan to do it.

I hope you all have a very happy and healthy new year!

PS – My friend’s husband did lose his job (Christmas eve, can anybody be that cruel...) and her dad died just several days before. She drove to MA for the funeral and is still on her way back. Anybody having good thoughts to spare it would be greatly appreciated!

I’m wishing her all my strength and whatever else she needs that I can do...

My Little Angels…

2008-12-17T09:44:00.004-07:00

Floored. Amazed. Dumbfounded. Warm hearted. These are just a very few of the words I can think of to express myself for each and everyone of you that leapt up and took immediate action to come to the aid of a single mother and child whom needed help and you did it on my word alone. You also did it in 24 hours… I still can’t believe it…

My faith in the universe has been shaken immensely the last couple of months and I’ve managed to mostly keep on the positive side but you ladies put me right over the edge I have to tell you. Saying thank you doesn’t seem like enough at all but it’s all I have to offer, so thank you to each and every kind heart that participated…

Then last night talking to a good friend I found out that her husband may be losing his job. My heart sank again. I’m not a praying kind of guy but if you folks could send a lot of good thoughts this way for them I would really appreciate it.

She’s had it rough enough, so have her kids. I just want her to know that it will all work out in the end.

........................................................................

Looking for angels...

2008-12-15T13:07:00.003-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen of single parenthood (you really don’t have to be single or a even a parent). I am officially putting out a call for angels.

I have a friend in CA who is a single 30-year-old mom of four boys. Due to a divorce, a foreclosure and other issues she only has one of the boys with her and hasn’t seen the others for some time…

She asked me this morning if I knew how to find a family to adopt her son for Christmas. Broke my heart, I knew she was fighting but I hadn’t realized it was that hard. I’m really tapped this year for a variety of reasons but I thought if I could find some people to help out that maybe we could all be the family that adopts him.

Anybody interested in helping shoot me an e-mail, vsorce@juno.com, and I’ll get you her name and address. There’s a list below:

• Nintendo DS Games ( WIFI Enabled )
o Pokemon
o Sims
• Skateboard
• Hooded sweatshirts Boys Large ( 14-16 )
• Socks Shoe size 8 Boys
• ???????

I try to donate all year long and I do often wonder where the money goes. I know directly where this is going and it’s a nice feeling. Thanks folks!

Grants for who?

2008-12-02T14:23:00.002-07:00

Yesterday my employer cut my hours from 40 to 32 starting in January. After the initial shock and terror I convinced myself that everything would be fine. I would just try to do more writing and dig up more freelance work and if some of the savings gets used, well that’s what it’s there for.

I also thought I might take a writing class and that ballooned into me thinking seriously again about getting my degree. While searching through what the local colleges had to offer I realized I’d never be able to afford to do this.

I abandoned the degree search and started searching for educational grants. Being a single parent I thought I’d run across at least a couple that might meet my needs. To my surprise however I come to find that I am the wrong gender. Every single grant I came across was for single mothers, not single parents and not single fathers.

I shouldn’t be surprised, there are more single mothers and traditionally they need these programs more then men but to not run across any at all? It was a quick search and I’ll keep looking, there must be at least one out there for all single parents or maybe even single dads.

I think this may be my reawakening to hit my single dad research again hard and get writing! I can just imagine all the uneven statistics that are out there waiting to be discovered…

Can Men be too Sensitive?

2008-11-24T10:07:00.003-07:00

My oldest son Michael says I’m the gayest straight man he knows. I’m not exactly a guy's guy. Since I was in High school my best friends have always been women. I think sports are a waste of time and if they spent all that money and time on social injustices the world would be a much different place.

I love musicals, I like to read. I’ve taught myself how to sew, knit and crochet. I can cook, I do laundry. My dear friend Diana asked me the other day if I had the “Cats” CD and of course I did. She said, “somehow I knew you would.” I took that as a compliment!

I cry. At movies, when I’m upset, things involving my kids, whatever, I let it out. I was watching the Wedding Singer last night and I’ve seen it dozens of times but when it gets to the end and he sings to her on the plane I start up, it doesn’t matter that I know it’s coming. Anytime I go to a movie now Joey asks me if I cried and now I just say, “I’m not telling,” and his response is always an unforgiving, “dad…”

I’m also and incurable Hopeful Romantic (Not hopeless, see “Romancing the Stone,” and you’ll understand…) flowers, cards, texts, walks holding hands and on and on…

That’s not to say that I don’t like a good game of softball and I’ve bowled my share of 200’s. I can change the sparkplug and air filter in my mower and get it running and I can build you a great set of shelves in my shop.

So many women seem to go for these guys who have testosterone dripping from every pore and then bitch that her man doesn’t understand her. Maybe no matter how strong a woman is they still want to know that their guy can protect them and make them feel safe.

I assure you though that if anyone ever attempts to hurt my girl (when that happens of course…) that this knitting, teary-eyed, romantic will be ripping their heart out through their scrotum.

Do You Trust Me?

2008-11-20T15:09:00.001-07:00

Trust exists in many different forms. Friends form lasting trusts. You hope you can trust your contractor to build that addition. You trust your children’s teachers and so on.

For single people on the dating loop trust comes into play more and more as the relationship grows. Ultimately you want to gain trust and be trusted.

If you’ve been hurt before gaining someone’s trust can be very difficult. After Stacy I never thought I’d ever trust a woman again for the rest of my life. However life goes on, things calm down and you have to realize that was just one person and not all women kind who screwed you over.

It can take a lot of time to trust a person again depending on the enormity of the issue at hand. It’s been over a year now and I’m at a point where I can give my trust to someone again. I’d like to say I’ll give my trust guardedly but what’s the point? If you’re going to run for the end zone you better do it at full speed.

Taking your own feelings about trust in your hands is one thing. Having somebody trust you is another story. Patience is a definite must when you’re working with someone you care about who has had some hard times.

Without being pushy you just need to reassure them that you’re there behind them ready to help or be supportive and then make sure you follow through. If they stumble you’ll be there to catch them. When you catch them enough times they won’t worry about falling anymore.

Any type of relationship requires trust but for a romantic relationship I think it’s unconditional trust that leads to unconditional love which lasts forever.

How Much do we Really Take for Granted?

2008-11-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

I try very hard on a daily basis to remember how many people in the world have less than I do and then try to appreciate what I have that much more. It doesn’t always work. Several times a day I find myself complaining over minute things that truly do not matter.

I’ve been on crutches since October 5th. Last week I started using just one and today I’ve been practicing with none. I can’t do it without the brace on but it’s amazing the feeling of being able to walk again or in my case just hobbling but it’s something. I never realized before how much I took for granted that I could walk and get wherever I wanted to under my own power.

Makes you think about everything we take for granted. Things we consider normal, food in a working fridge, clean clothes, health, cars and clean water are just a very few of the things we’ve come to expect and even demand.

People are another thing we easily take for granted. Our families, doctors, nurses, police, and especially our soldiers, etc. We expect them to be there any time we need them and we’re not very nice about it sometimes.

I don’t remember the movie it comes from but there’s a simple quote that has always stuck with me, “It’s easy to forget what’s important, so don’t.” Simple words to live by…

What is Faith?

2008-11-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like my faith is being tested lately on a multitude of levels. It’s a funny thing, faith. You have to believe in things that have no proof and that is not my forte at all. I want to see the writing on the wall in an orderly fashion and as far into the future as possible.

Faith doesn’t work that way though. It can be exhausting, painful, frustrating and just plain sucky. The journey is usually just as important as the destination but when your faith is tested all you want to do is get to the end. But that’s the rub isn’t it? Being strong enough to get through it all makes the end even better, hopefully. That’s where you need the faith the most.

It’s easy for reality to keep knocking you down. Picking yourself up over and over again gets tiring. If you’re lucky and have good friends to rely on and help set you straight you can make it through.

Blind faith is the worst. You just have to believe and keep on believing when you think you can’t believe any more. I may be a realist and I’ve become pessimistic over the years but buried inside, deeper than I’d like, I want that fairy tale and blind faith will not keep me from it.

I will keep my eyes wide open, my back to the wind and my chin high. Go ahead universe, bring on your worst. You will not sway me, I will continue down the path and I’ll fall and I’ll screw up but I’m staying on the path, blind faith and all…

Sometimes Life is Just too Damn Hard

2008-11-04T08:52:00.002-07:00

Sunday night a 17-year-old girl from sons’ high school died in car accident. Neither of them knew her well and I didn’t know her at all but I’m at my desk crying for her parents after reading the news story.

I can only imagine what her parents are going through right now and my thoughts are with them.

After losing two people I try to tell people how I feel about them whenever I can because you just never know if it’s the last thing you might ever say to them. Things like this set me off and I get very emotional.

If there’s something you want to tell somebody go do it right now. Don’t wait.

Personal note:

Juliet ................................................................................................................................, I said I don’t expect you to forgive me but I hope you do anyway…

The Roller Coaster and the Merry-go-round

2008-10-27T13:36:00.004-07:00

One of my favorite movies is “Parenthood” with a great cast including Steve Martin. It’s funny, sweet and very true to life.

It will be very cliché but the grandmother says one of the most poignant things (to me at least) in this exchange.

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

It’s a very accurate visual. Life can be very much like that. Lately I feel like I’m stuck in the loop of the coaster. Going around and around but it’s not slow at all like the merry-go-round. You get a minute to breathe at the bottom but then suddenly you’re upside down again ready to be sick.

Funny thing is even though I feel sick a lot lately I don’t want to get off. There’s this amazing connection to the coaster that I never want to lose and I’m willing to wait out the sick feeling for the rest of the amazing ride that I know is coming.

For .............................

The Silence is Deafening

2008-10-20T08:57:00.003-07:00

This is more therapeutic than anything else. Most of you won't understand.

So ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

And then .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Plus .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

But I still .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

And I hope ..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

La la la la la la la la la la .....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

You understand...

Being Single is Different than Being Alone

2008-10-13T12:32:00.004-07:00

On Sunday the 5th while trying to help out a friend I injured my knee going over their fence. I’m going for an MRI this week, right now I still don’t know the extent of the damage. I’m in a knee immobilizer and on crutches until at least the 22nd when I see the orthopedist again.

Lying on the inside of the fence at 10:20 PM balled up in pain gives one time to do some thinking about being alone. Ironically the first person I would have called was the person I was helping but they were away which is why I was there in the first place.

Joey doesn’t drive yet and Mike was at school. We’d just come from spending the weekend with him. Fortunately one of the dogs I was there to put in its kennel brought me a large stick that he wanted to play with. Instead I used it as a cane.

That was the first time I felt alone. I had my phone and worst case was I called the police. I had options. Later that week though was the experience that really got my mind working.

Taking a shower standing up on my good leg just was not going to work. I asked Joey to bring in a resin patio chair and set it in the shower for me. Just a side note, Joey has been contributing beyond his years in helping me with EVERYTHING, including his sister and Mike as well when he was home over the weekend.

I managed to undress my self, extract my leg from its brace and navigate the correct position to sit in the chair while placing my crutches against the wall. I heard the chair leg crack before my full weight was on the seat but with nothing to grab and only one good leg I was not about to counteract gravity. Down I went for the second time in almost as many days curled up in pain.

I’ve felt alone in a room full of people. I’ve felt alone where I didn’t think I really had a friend in the world but this was different. I was on the verge of terrified. Not just a little scared, terrified. My phone was just out of reach, screaming for the kids produced no results. I’ve never felt that alone in my entire life. I couldn’t even reach up to turn off the water.

Finally after about twenty minutes Becca heard me outside while she was walking the dog. She and Joey came rushing in to find their naked father on the floor in a pool of water. Humiliating doesn’t begin to cover it. They got me into the chair in the shower and I just sat there feeling old and useless.

A couple of posts back I wrote a post about having a partner for practical reasons besides love. There are thousands of more reasons that I could not possibly think of them all. When you’re in need of a hug, when you need that shoulder to cry on, or when you need to be picked up after you fall, in my case literally.

I was lucky to have not been alone, my kids saved the day. I can say in my heart that I’m never really alone. I have people who care about me. Philosophy however is no substitute for an actual helping hand up off the shower floor.

What is Real Love?

2008-10-01T14:45:00.003-07:00

Not specific to single parents of course but it’s been on my mind lately. My best friend Allan, who I’ve known since second grade and is my oldest son’s godfather, asked me several years ago how do you know when you're in love? I gave him my thoughts and subsequently he proposed to his now wife the next day.

Love is one of life’s intangibles that has endless possibilities and just as many impossibilities. I’m a great believer in true love and love at first sight. I may get off track at times but it’s still somewhere there in my heart buried behind the baggage looking for a match and the many sleeves my heart likes to slip out on.

I’m also a firm believer in that you cannot help who you fall in love with. It happens right in front of your eyes before you even know you’ve been shot with the arrow.

Can love conquer all? I used to believe that it could. I still believe it can but it needs to be a special kind of love and the universe needs to be on your side.

Tragedies, real life, and day-to-day activities are what challenge your love everyday. Love comes when you least expect it and when you’re not looking for it and it can leave just like that too if you’re not paying attention. Seems like a cruel twist of fate that you can fall out of love.

There are many phases of love as well. At first you can’t stop thinking about them, you’re heart beats faster when you think about them and when you see them you’re ten feet off the ground. As time progresses you think about a future together a family and eventually growing old together.

In the beginning I said this wasn’t specific to single parents but maybe it is because we’ve already been around the block a few times. New lovers have that advantage of no experience and don’t ask the harder questions.

So to me real love is being by your side during what ever catastrophe might befall us. Real Love is being right there when the electric bill needs to be paid. Real Love is knowing it won’t always be roses and I expect to get pricked from time to time. Real Love is always being there for you and the family no matter what…

I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine…

2008-09-23T15:10:00.002-07:00

That’s a lyric from “rent.” Everybody has some baggage. When you’re young you might come into a relationship with a little baggage. Often times you’ll collect baggage together or perhaps you’re even the baggage someone tossed aside.

As a single parent it’s very difficult to decide what baggage is best for your children. Finding someone without baggage is virtually impossible. What to do? You need your children to be safe and happy but you need to be happy as well.

My last relationship came with a ton more baggage then I realized at first and my children paid for it. But remarkably they came through mostly unscathed. There may be future issues of course but if it wasn’t that it would have probably been something else, I’m far from perfect.

I have a friend who is in a, let’s say “rocky”, relationship at the moment. This friend, I’ll just call Al, and his kids have been through quite a lot previous to this current relationship. So much in fact that I felt lucky to have the life I do.

Al has a chance at a stable relationship and a good solid home for him and the kids. He’s worried though how asking his current partner to leave will affect his kids. I don’t blame him. He said he couldn’t disrupt their lives for something he wants. I truly respect and admire his decision to put his children before himself.

Is there a fine line where you bow down a little so you as a parent can be happy too? Is your being happy better for the kids? I’ve been massively depressed where I couldn’t get out of bed for days and I certainly know that’s not good for the kids.

Ultimately you do the best you can. You make the best decisions you can for your children and then for yourself and hope for the best. Some how it will all work out…

Single Parents Connection

2008-09-08T15:46:00.004-07:00

David Mott (Dad’s House) and Rachel Sarah (Single Mom Seeking) have started a single parents group on Facebook and were nice enough to include me along with some other wonderful writers and more importantly SUPER single parents.

The Single Parents Connection group is a great place for single parents to connect, give advice, tell stories and just be there for each other when you feel alone. Let’s face it, as single parents it’s very easy to feel alone.

I did not have a Facebook page before this and I’ve been having some fun exploring. Still lot’s of work to do on my page, finding the time can be difficult.

Kudos to Rachel and David, I’m sure they have full plates but they found time anyway to give us this nice gift and I’m very happy to be apart of it.

So stop by, leave a comment on the wall, share a photo or maybe make a new friend.

Time After Time

2008-09-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

Being a single parent means not having a lot of time. Especially when you have three of them pulling you in different directions. There’s never anyone to pass the ball off to. Makes it hard to blog sometimes!

I started this site in June and have barely scratched the surface in research. I started several short stories which are still in limbo because regular work, freelance work and the kids have been fast and furious.

Being the only adult in the house proves challenging when you’re the only one who can drive. School, soccer practice, etc. It does get exhausting sometimes. Plus I have a situation going on that I can’t talk about yet but I’m dying too… But it needs to wait for the appropriate time.

As much as having a significant other for love and companionship is important the practical reasons are very obvious when you’re alone. That may seem cold but it’s just the plain truth. Even being able to pass off 10% of the work would be a blessing. Sure the kids do chores but they’d be doing that anyway.

Sometimes the extra work is good, getting wrapped up in it can make you forget you are actually lonely.

The toughest part is finding time to relax. I don’t mean actually finding the time, I mean the relaxing. I can sit down for an hour after Becca goes to bed and do nothing if I please but there is too much to do that if I take that hour for myself I’ll just pay for it later and that doubles the stress level!

Once in a while the kids will all have sleepovers the same night and that can be blissful. No fighting, no bickering, just pure quiet as I load the dishwasher and unload the dryer…

Empty nest syndrome, sort of…

2008-08-25T12:28:00.002-07:00

Well I got about 170 pounds lighter this past Saturday. My oldest son Mike is now at college. He’s been gone much of his senior year anyway with friends and working but this is different. Many of the things in his room are gone and I usually saw him at least once a day most of the time. There’s a big hole in the house.

We drove to Flagstaff Saturday morning in two cars where he’ll be attending Northern Arizona University (NAU). Three trips up the elevator and we were done. His friend Reily had come with us and helped him unpack and get set up. Reily is a good kid I’m glad he and Mike are friends.

He’s rooming with his friend Jimmy from home so that’s one less thing to stress about. We went to lunch and Walmart for some last minute things and then took our leave. I talked to him later that night and on Sunday. The freshman blues were pretty evident. I’m sure he’ll be fine but it’s hard as a parent to not feel like I want to fix it. Harder still was not being able to share it all with his mother.

Becca and Joey already miss him. Becca called him the last two nights before bed. She’s going to have a hard time when Joey goes to college in three years. Right now I can’t believe I have a college aged son let alone two of them in three years.

He’ll make new friends, he’ll find new goals, new points of view. He’ll learn what a real long distance relationship is all about (his girlfriend is going to school in CA). He’ll grow from boy to man and take his life into his own hands. Scary and exciting, for both of us.

What does her butt say?

2008-08-18T15:13:00.002-07:00

For years I have wondered why women bitch at men ogling their bodies when they wear practically nothing. One of my biggest pet peeves is the shorts with sayings on the butt.

I bring this up because the habit starts so young. Even before she was out of diapers I swore Becca would never wear anything like that. Becca spent the summer in NJ with her grandparents and saw numerous relatives. She got so many new clothes that a box of them had to be shipped back.

I have been through the box several times since it came not yet having a chance to put it all away but pulling things from it on an as-needed basis. This morning I needed a pair of shorts and lone and behold what do I find? I’m sure they came from my sister or one of my sisters-in-law and I truly do appreciate the thought (they won’t believe me…) but what the hell are people thinking when they buy these?

Occasionally I get to the see the Bill Engvall show. In one episode his daughter is complaining she wants a belly button ring. She asks, “what’s the difference between earrings and a bellybutton ring?” and Bill’s response is, “when you wear earrings boys look up here,” and he points to his head.

Women complain that men look too much and then they put things for us to read on the asses of seven-year-old girls? This is only the beginning. I immediately took the shorts and put them in my donation bin. Becca saw them in the pile just before school this morning and had a hissy fit so bad that she’s grounded for a week and I didn’t even walk her to the playground at school like I do every morning.

Boys will be enough of an issue as time rolls along I don’t need irresponsible clothes manufactures or advertisers making it any harder.

Sears is running an ad campaign telling kids, “Don’t just go back, arrive.” Why can’t they just be themselves?

I’m sure the relatives will be pissed about it when they read this and have something to say about my having no style. Screw the style, I’m an individual and my daughter will be as well.

Daddy, what’s a dildo?

2008-08-15T10:56:00.001-07:00

This is the question that Becca asked me yesterday on the way to school after just hearing the term on the Bob and Tom show. School is only two miles from home and very rarely does she hear any of the show. I just mindlessly listen for the comedy that gets me to smile so I feel like living through the rest of the day.

My standard answer of, “I’ll explain it to you when you’re older,” is falling on deaf ears these days as she gets older. I always try to be honest with all my kids with whatever questions they ask. For a seven-year-old second-grade girl though I would be truthful but vague.

I said, “it’s a sexual device and I’ll explain more when you’re older.” No follow up was asked so I continued, “please don’t mention the word to your friends or your teacher.” That was it, no other comments or concerns. No call from angry parents or the school, I got away lucky.

I know there will be other questions she’ll ask as she gets older. There are universal questions she’ll ask just like her brothers, why is the sky blue, where do babies come from. Then there will be the girl questions…

I have plenty of women folk to go to for advice but I know I won’t. I can have the book knowledge but I’ll never have the experience so advice in my mind just won’t cut it.

I have no doubt Becca will have some adult woman to talk to in those times of need but I’ll still be the one there on the front lines and I’ll be as ready as I can for whatever she needs.

This morning I noticed that for a little girl she’s got pretty hair legs. The hair is very light but it’s there. At what point will she notice it I wonder?

Several weeks ago I was in the grocery story reading tampon boxes. It’s early but knowledge is never wasted in my book.

And when it comes time for the bra I will dutifully march into Victoria’s Secret, head held high and wait around for hours if that’s what it takes…

Who knows, I may be involved with someone or even remarried before any of these things are issues but regardless I will be as ready as possible. Notice I didn’t say prepared, can you ever truly be prepared for female puberty?

A Year In The Life

2008-08-13T00:01:00.005-07:00

31,556,926 seconds, 365 days, twelve months, thirteen lunar cycles, four seasons, 1/7 of my daughter’s life. They all equal one year. A year without the life of Stacy Anne Stubbs on this earth.

When this happened the first time with Lisa (I’m still dumfounded that I can say that…) I was already involved with Stacy when the first anniversary rolled around. I had her and all my family and friends around for comfort. Now here I am all alone and the overwhelming feeling to fall apart continually tugs at my brain.

Last week I went out to lunch just to get out of the office for a bit and as always I faithfully had a book with me, a Nicholas Sparks book, bad idea… The second to last chapter slapped me across the face when the newlywed bride died during child birth and just threw me off the edge into nothingness.

Desperately trying to keep myself together I paid my check and got to the car before completely losing it. I had no idea what to do, I couldn’t stop shaking. Finally I drove to the nearby cemetery barely able to see through the tears.

An hour and half later I had finally calmed down some. I still couldn’t think straight. I went back to work, shut down my computer and was lucky enough to catch a friend for a little bit before I went home.

Today actually isn’t the hard part. It’s the anticipation of the day. To realize how much has happened in the last year since the accident. Life marched on without her just as it did with Lisa. Just as it always has and always will.

Becca and Joey have moved up a grade, Mike graduated high school as valedictorian and is off to college in less than two weeks. We’ve all had a birthday. The Olympics will go on, A new president will be elected, and the sun will rise and set all without her.

Intellectually I understand all this. Mentally my brain is Swiss cheese. As ironic as it may be death is a part of life. To comprehend what that means is a different story entirely.

I don’t know what kind of afterlife I believe in if I believe in one at all but I can just imagine that by now Stacy has met Lisa and they’re off telling stories about me and having a good laugh.

People who haven’t had this experience wonder when you’ll get over it. It’s not something you ever get over; it’s something you learn to live with.

Too many things go unsaid and I intend to correct that right now en masse.

To all my friends and family:

You all know I can be a pain in the butt SOB but regardless of what may show on the outside on the inside I love each and every one of you more than I can truly express and each of you have touched my life in ways I’ll always remember and appreciate. Each of you mean the world to me in your own special ways.

Now, every single person reading this should do the same because you never know when it may be the last time to tell them you love them…

First Day of School

2008-08-04T10:36:00.000-07:00

Becca, my seven-year-old daughter, started school this morning. Last night we picked out a flowery green dress and white tights. After she showered she asked me to braid her hair so it would be curly. This morning I made her lunch, we got dressed and I tried to put on this new pendant she got at Disneyland last week but I couldn’t figure out the clasp so we had to skip it. Off we went.

Sounds simple enough, huh? Until Wednesday when my son Joey starts his first day of his sophomore year. He doesn’t go to the local high school so I have to drive him. This means that Becca will have to get on a 6:45 bus for school so I can get Joey to school by 7:30.

Joey gets out of school at 2:50 but I work until 4:00 which means he has to sit around school for over an hour and then we have to trek over to the after-school-care facility for Becca.

If I’m lucky they will both have their homework done before I get them but I’ll still have to check it, most likely while I’m making dinner. Plus there will be soccer practice several times a week.

After dishes and showers and whatever other chores have to be done I might be able to do some writing…

Single parents of multiple children everywhere I feel your pain and understand the stresses you are under. Today I feel very alone but I know there are many of you out there in the same boat. You are not alone, there are many of us and we need to stick together.

If you feel like blowing up just take a deep breath, focus and push on.

The Happiest Place on Earth

2008-07-31T09:30:00.001-07:00

Five days, three kids, one dad and Disneyland. My oldest son Michael goes off to college in just several short weeks and I wanted to take one last family vacation before the momentous event.

So 6:00 AM this past Tuesday morning we got in the car for the 450 plus mile drive to Anaheim. We roll into the Disney hotel around 2:00 to find out that we missed an earthquake earlier in the day and several of the larger attractions are still closed for inspection. An exciting start…

The car ride started out with a big disappointment. The portable DVD player I had borrowed from a friend didn’t work. The car adapter would not fit in the lighter for some reason and since I was already driving I couldn’t have a look. Becca was the most disappointed but she soldiered on, in a whiny sort of way that is.

Lovely weather and not too crowded we headed immediately to the park because our room wasn’t quite ready. Plenty of traditional families with both parents were running around every where. Spotting the single parents was difficult since many families split up in the park.

I haven’t had all my kids in the same spot for so long since Michael got his driver’s license a year ago so it’s been great fun. Some sadness as well; It’s hard to look at all the familes and not wish that the boy’s and Becca’s moms were here with us.

I look around the park and can’t help wondering if it’s sad commentary on the American spirit that all these people (including me) are here spending oodles of money on a mouse OR is it the American dream that one man can build such an empire on a mouse?

Not in the debating mood right now, I’m having too much fun spending time with my kids…

New Mommy

2008-07-20T10:07:00.002-07:00

My seven-year-old daughter hit me with the question again this week. She asked when I was getting her a new mommy. All my kids have asked questions that put my emotions on that fateful roller coaster ride but this particular one tears my heart out in a way that can never be completely described. This is the time I want to scoop her up in my arms, if not for her then for me.

Her reasons for wanting a new mommy are very practical. If mommy could drive her to school she wouldn’t have to take the bus. If mommy were here she wouldn’t have had to spend the summer at her grandparent’s house in NJ. In the future it will be if mommy were here she could take me shopping for a bra.

Several weeks ago I was on the phone with her and told her I was going to go take a shower because I was meeting a friend. She asked if it was a girl and I said yes and then she asked if I met her on the computer and I said yes. “Well I hope she likes you,” she said. Not quite what she wanted to say she rephrases and says, “I hope you like her.” Still not satisfied and slightly flustered she blurts out, “what I mean is I hope you have a good time.”

Then this week when she asked the new mommy question I told her it wasn’t that easy. She said, “I know” and I said, “Oh you do, do you?” She said, “yes. First you have to date and then you get engaged and then you get married. At least I think that’s how it works.” I just laughed. If only it were just that easy what a world it would be.

Of course she won’t have a new mommy but a friend and mother figure would be a great asset to her life. Regardless I’ve got it under control (for now at least) and will get up each morning to face it all over again.

Single Mom Seeking

2008-07-17T14:47:00.001-07:00

My website and blog started because of an article I read by Rachel Sarah. This past week I was in Detroit (without my laptop, bad choice…) with my oldest son for a bowling tournament. During the trip I was able to read Rachel’s book, Single Mom Seeking.

The first thing I have to say is I miss her. Her writing was so open and honest that I feel like I’ve known her for years and years and then suddenly she was gone. From Mae-mae’s mac and cheese to Rachel’s explosive nipples she shares all.

I know I was not the intended demographic for this literary marvel but it did bring out quite a lot of emotions for me. Now I know what you’re thinking, how could I, a man, possibly have emotions about something that included no sports, no nude photos and was longer than a newspaper? Let’s just say I’m not your typical man and leave that for another day, shall we?

My first thoughts were of understanding, especially the loneliness. It can really get to you and if you have no one to talk to it’s even harder. Rachel was very lucky for her friends in Berkley. I’m still waiting for that luck…

Anger was another emotion I experienced which I feel somewhat guilty about but none the less the feeling was there. Of course I don’t want to judge a book by its cover or in this case an author by her words but at the moment it’s all I have to go by. Having a nine-to-five job, three children and no friends or family makes it difficult for me to feel sorry for a woman trying to arrange a tryst when after a days work I have to feed the pack, get them off to study, then bed and then if I’m lucky do some freelance work among the other daily household chores.

Plus all the guys she seemed to choose had muscles or money. No pot bellies allowed. Again I don’t want to sound judgmental but having no muscles or money and having a pot belly it just screamed bitchy and high maintenance to me.

Jealousy and guilt go hand in hand with the previous paragraphs. I’d love to be writing full time and be home during the day for my kids but that is not yet in the cards. I’m very happy for Rachel and everybody else et al but even just the other day I posted a comment on her blog and she e-mailed me from a café. All I could think of was, “nice life…” Green (with envy) is such a terrible color on me.

Horny. Horny, horny, horny. Not quite soft porn but I can’t believe her daughter will be reading it eventually. It was nice to hear from a real woman that desire works both ways, well with good looking men at least…

Books, TV shows, movies and theater are at their best when a wide array of emotions are brought out to the surface of the reader/viewer. Rachel certainly brought out many emotions for me, even if much of it was baggage.

I imagine her as my neighbor and me the “nice guy” confidante who she finally realizes is what she wants. I’ll have to keep that idea in the back of my cheesy fiction file.

In the end I loved the book and I want to know what happened with Yanay? Also even with the distance between us I’d love to get to know Rachel better as a friend, as a critic as whatever chance may bring. Her eyes alone on the back of the book suck me right in…

Sigh…

Do Nice Guys Always Finish Last?

2008-07-09T15:44:00.003-07:00

According to April Masini and her article on Yahoo we do finish last. Now I do consider myself a nice guy. I’m not cocky, arrogant or stuck up but somehow to many women these are appealing features.

April says that “nice” equates to boring and predictable and not exceptional. Guess what sweetheart, I happen to be an exceptional father and if women don’t want that then I don’t want them.

She also alludes to nice guys being weak. If being weak is seeing your wife through three years of breast cancer a dozen different chemo treatments, holding her hand and watching her die and then having to tell your five and eight-year-old boys about it the next morning then I’m weak as hell lady.

She suggests that we value and respect ourselves more. I find that interesting because it seems to me that people seeking attention are the ones without respect and seek the attention to add value and meaning to their lives.

The kind of men you describe as strong, more confident and exciting are the wanna be’s who don’t know what real life is all about. It’s about paying the mortgage, it’s about daycare, it’s about unloading the dishwasher and the load of laundry in the dryer for the past two days. It’s about finding the strength to get out of bed every morning and doing it all again.

You my dear April are living on a different planet and I am way, way out of your league…

Are Dreams Worth the Cost?

2008-07-07T12:32:00.003-07:00

Watching the Olympic trials this past week I have discovered a fascinating woman in Dara Torres. To be going to the Olympics at the age of 41 and competing with women—girls— over half her age is a testament to what humans can really do.

She’s at the very top of the ladder and Beijing being her fifth Olympic games since the tender age of 14 is what dreams are all about. This mother of a two-year-old girl has gone where no other swimmer and most other Olympians have never been.

She’s twice divorced so it would appear the dream came at a price.

Not knowing all the details it’s impossible to make an educated statement about the relationships but one could easily suspect that Dara’s schedule, status and notoriety may have had something to do with it.

Most people’s dreams aren’t quite that lofty. Being able to support your loved one’s dreams while not forgetting your own is the trick. Putting aside your own dreams in total support of your other half can be the greatest gift of love and commitment there is but at the same it time can create a deep chasm of bitterness and anger.

I say choose your dreams wisely and then go for it with every ounce of energy you have even if you're down to your last ounce.

An Ideal Husband

2008-07-06T22:45:00.005-07:00

Dr Leah was kind enough to forward to me a New York Times article entitled, “An Ideal Husband.” She thought it might make good blog fodder and after giving it a read I have to agree with her.

The columnist, Maureen Dowd, starts her article with references to celebrities and their failed love lives. How does that come close to being reality for most of us? That’s like people really believing that there are woman out there like Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha who live like that all the time.

Then Maureen goes on to quote an almost 80-year-old priest. Besides never being married this man is generations out of touch. I find it interesting that many in the clergy think they can counsel on the aspects of marriage or even sex.

The priest, Father Pat Connor, has been teaching a seminar for 40 years titled, “Whom Not to Marry.” Hopefully nuns are first on his list. Maureen lists some of the things he advises and much of it is just common sense (so similar to the way I feel about religion and the bible but that’s a whole other can of worms).

He makes it sound like you have a choice of whom you fall in love with and what actions ensue after the fact. I’m an incredibly practical person and a huge realist but love isn’t about that even though in hindsight perhaps it should be part of the process.

I’ve been beaten up pretty well over the last ten years and have an outer bitter streak that gets thicker with each passing day but somewhere in there I still believe in true love even if I’m just fooling myself. That didn’t work for me very well this last time but the circumstances were well out of normal range.

I can't deny that Father Pat may make some reasonable points but there is so, so much more to it and this man, who has at the very least limited dating experience, is not the right person to be enlightening young people on the subject.

I have to ask this; where is the seminar called, “An Ideal Wife?” There’s a future entry in that question. Stay tuned…

Be careful what you ask for because you might just get it…

2008-06-27T10:27:00.001-07:00

Well I wanted honesty and boy did I get honesty. Through a mutual busybody in our workplace my “crush” (I really do feel silly using that word) read the “Do men have crushes” blog and put herself in as the divorced mother of two.

This produced a very open, truthful e-mail which even though it stung a little to read it was refreshing and important to know the truth. I’m not her “dream” guy which she went on to describe with some detail. As much as I admire her for still wanting to find her dream at this point in her life I hope she isn’t chasing windmills.

I understand the dream, I have them too. I have the dream of the perfect woman and a relationship where she's an actress/writer maybe even an artist with soft features a great sense of humor and an open mind.

Then I have the "man" dream girl who is a blond bimbo nymphet who loves to cook and clean but still makes a good living does what I want all the time and is always naked at home.

I don’t expect to find either. Believing in the perfect bond can be fun but it is almost always disappointing. I’ve had two very different relationships neither of which I would classify as perfect.

What is perfection anyway? Walking off into the sunset and living happily ever after? How many couples do you know who have found their sunsets for more than that newlywed year?

Regardless of the dreams, I believe the honesty set forth in motion has sowed a seed of friendship that will continue on for many years. Perhaps that’s the perfect relationship.

Do you know how to treat a lady?

2008-06-23T08:41:00.001-07:00

Do you know how to treat a lady? I do, I really do. I treat her with respect and consideration. I listen and follow through on promises made. I bring flowers, I’m faithful and full of compliments.

I think most men know what to do it’s just a matter of choosing to do it. Most men choose to do it in the beginning to show their best side. As the relationship journeys down its path the niceties get thrown aside.

Women hate this! Of course they blame us but what they don’t seem to realize is that the woman we were doing it for no longer exists. The sweet, wonderful girl in the slinky black dress who used to shave her legs and do her hair has been replaced by Rosanne.

We all have experienced this and it’s the way it works. Women however seem to be very jaded. Perusing dating websites I very often see headlines similar to this, “Seeking man who knows how to treat a lady.”

I won’t give you the literal translation of that statement found on page 36 of the “Womanspeak Translation Guide for Dummies,” but it ain’t good. Immediately she sounds demanding, controlling and bitchy. Three things I look for in all my women…

I have no doubt that many of you belles have been hurt (ok, ok, royally screwed over…) by many men but guess what? You ladies have quite faithfully shot right back at us. We need to STOP THE INSANITY!

Regardless of what you ladies put in your profiles I’m sure you get many, many more hits than we do. I haven’t exactly been pursuing another relationship; I have a profile mostly out of curiosity.

It’s very depressing to go for days and even weeks with no profile views or e-mails. It’s like being ignored in a bar or at a party but you get to feel the humiliation in the privacy of your own home.

Let’s take the old standard and let it ring true, treat other people the way you would like to be treated. Men you know how to do it so do it more often. Women take what you can get and stop expecting so much.

Do men have crushes?

2008-06-20T11:18:00.001-07:00

I look at her and my heart beats faster. I make excuses to pass by her at least a dozen times a day. I ask other people about her. She runs through my brain but I keep quiet for fear of rejection.

Sounds like a twelve-year-old boy right? Unfortunately it’s a forty-two-year-old man who strangely enough has my name…

As a “tween” I always though adulthood would be “way cooler” because all these games would go away. Oh child if you only knew what you were in for. Not only do the games stay the same but new ones are added and the rules get harder and more obscure.

She has two children of her own and is divorced for a number of years. I don’t know any more history than that. She says she’s not ready to date yet which I can certainly understand and respect.

But that statement begs to know if she was letting me down easy or was it the truth? Womenspeak comes in so many forms that knowing truth from non-truth is like knowing if she’s wearing a wonder bra or not.

If she was attempting to keep my feelings in tact I do truly appreciate the effort. On the other hand however I’d rather know the truth so I can wean my self off of her and stop looking foolish with flirty little things.

Why the games in the first place anyway? Is it so tough that we can’t just stand in front of the opposite sex and just lay it on the line? She laid it on the line telling me she wasn’t ready and I have no reason not to believe her. I doubt however that down the line she’ll hold up a big sign saying, “ok, I’m ready now!”

This means I have to tread lightly and every once in a while ask her to lunch to see what happens. I’ll never discount a woman’s feelings but I’ve lost two people in eight years and my biggest advice to women and men alike: Life is much shorter than you think it is, don’t miss a chance for happiness that may be right in front of you.

What about soccer dads?

2008-06-17T12:00:00.009-07:00

Ultimately the phrase, “what about soccer dads?” is how this blog and web site came about. My intent was just to write an article and farm it out but last week I ran across an article by Rachel Sarah and followed it to her website, Single Mom Seeking.

Quickly I checked godaddy.com to see if singledadseeking.com was available and as you can see it was. My aspirations for the project got a boost and I decided to turn the article into a book instead.

So any single dads out there with a story to tell please feel free to contact me at vsorce@juno.com and tell me what’s on your mind. I’m especially interested in single dads who have sole custody of their children and are raising them alone.

A Google search on the text, “soccer moms,” produces over 2 million hits.

A Google search on the text, “soccer dads,” produces just over 11,000 hits.

There seems to be a slight imbalance. Why is that? Society seems to be so focused on mothers that do it all that they’ve discarded the fact there are growing numbers of fathers who do it all as well.

The women’s movement took hold and never looked back. Well it’s time to look back because we dads are back here and we’re doing a hell of a job.

We’re working full time, we’re doing laundry and dishes, we’re changing diapers, we’re carting the kids to soccer practice and nobody seems to notice. Why does nobody notice? Because it’s what we’re expected to do. But when women do it for some reason they’re going over and above society’s expectations.

Now I get to do it all because I’m just a single guy in this couples world.

Stay tuned…